For all those who missed the match on Setanta, here are the full highlights, at no cost to you, blog reader, because I value your worthless custom.
3rd min: I get back from (my brilliant) defensive duties for the Molly Maguires, and sit down in front of the TV, simmering in my own sweat
6th min: "He can't cross!" shouts my dad, as Theo stubs the ball out in the penalty area
9th min: England produce a shit corner
12th min: James drops the ball from a corner, and continues to look like an over-rated dick
15th min: Some Croat dribbles through the England defence and almost gets lucky
21st min: "England are starting to tire," says Craig Burley. "Why can't Setanta get some decent commentators?" says my dad
22nd min: "Clear penalty," says Burley, as Heskey falls over, tripped by a blade of grass
25th min: GOAL! Theo scores, getting the break from a ricocheted clearance. My living room goes nuts
28th min: James gets away with a crap punch, as the follow up shot is blocked by Wes Brown. Robert Green needs to get a start
32nd min: I take another sip from my can of Carlsberg
38th min: Theo gets flattened onto his arse, and is driven off the pitch on a golf cart. Obviously he comes back on..
43rd min: Heskey heads the ball on to no-one. Come back Crouch, all is forgiven
45th min: Croatia blaze a close-range free-kick over
Half-time: Venables, Allardyce and McManananaman talk shit for 15 minutes - they're probably talking shit whilst we're watching the adverts
49th min: Lampard has a good low free-kick saved
51st min: Joe Cole gets clattered with an elbow in a jump for the ball. He pats his head. There's blood on his hands. He walks three steps, and then melodramatically falls down. Golf cart comes on
52nd min: Croatia's captain Kovac is sent off for deliberately leading with elbow
53rd min: Cole is subbed for some Spurs twat
58th min: GOAL! Theo scores, as Rooney plays him in, and he strikes it across the keeper into the side of the goal. "Yay!" we all shout
62nd min: GOAL! Jenas does in ten seconds what Downing has failed to do with 20 caps, and gets past the last defender, to the byline, pulling back a cross for Rooney to side-foot home
74th min: Not much happening. I've booted up my computer to avoid boredom
75th min: Lamps scores a goal but it's disallowed because a Croat slips over - as there's a big black man standing near him, the ref must've thought an assault had taken place
77th min: GOAL! Terry loses his marker as a Croat scrapes his high studs down Terry's face, and play carries on. Ferdinand can't cope with two attackers coming at him, and some foreigner slots home through James
80th min: Capello stands in front of an advertising board for some Croat website, and it makes him look like he's got angel wings growing from his back
81st min: GOAL! Rooney plays Walcott in again who comes across the area before placing his shot beyond the keeper. Everyone watching is as suitably happy as the situation demands
83rd min: James runs out of his area and clatters into a Croatia striker. This lame horse needs to be shot
87th min: West Ham star defender Matthew Upson replaces Ugly Terry
88th min: Shots of Croatia supporters bouncing up and down in joyous delight that even in defeat, they don't have to support our ruddy national side
90th min: Joe Cole sits on the bench in his England blazer. You can see his gash
Full-time: West Ham United dodge a Bilic-shaped bullet. I have a shower
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