8:8 Athletico Becks 17/12/08 9.15pm

WON 10-0

By default

Anonymous comments (Best Since Best 10/12/08)

Matt's away and I'm hoping he doesn't see this comment which might spoil his well earned holiday. The differnce between the two teams was easy, the goalkeepers. Matt had a poor game long range shots went by him with ease and he did not cover his near post at all, had words but the truth of the game was there for all spectators to see.You may not believe it as I am slightly biased but I truly beleive the mollies had more possession than the other team they became dirter in the second half and were shoving and pushing us before and when we were in possession. The ref. failed to attend our see any of their poor sportsmanship and we have to change our tactics if we play them again. I narually had a few words with the two main culprits after the match to no avail.But I truly believe we can beat them if we play them again,we must go to ground when they shove and push us its either that or serve up some of their own medicine, I'm happy to come for a couple minutes during the match and even up the odds,it would dishonest tosay I hadn't a score to settle with the little fat man who said after the match "You didn't think you would win did you" No but I did expect you to play fairly I retorted.

8:7 Best Since Best 10/12/08 8.30pm

LOST 5-14
Matt, Leo1, Steve, Alan2, Mike1, Gareth1, Robbie

We're approaching the end of Season 8. Not even the Sopranos, or Buffy The Vampire Slayer made it this far. Yet here we are once again standing on the cold astroturf kicking a frozen ball around on a blister cold pitch, as we attempt to negotiate our way through another game in a season, filled with the usual tragedy, heartache, romance, betrayal and subterfuge.

Numbers can be deceptive. Like bra sizes. Like gross salary. Like score-lines.

5-14 might suggest a dog day afternoon evening of a performance, and it's gonna take a few more of these cheap tricks of defeat, before we find our pretty woman of victory. But in fact, effort on our part could barely be faulted tonight, and I'll even keep stum about Matt's possibly less than Artois goalkeeping - in case the replacement of him next week doesn't go according to the come together loving plan.

So where did we go right - like winning an ugliest baby contest? The opposition were predictable. Predictable like AIDS. We knew what was happening, but couldn't do much to stop it. Scoring like a lottery-winning heroin addict, Best Since Best (personally I've never rated Leon Best as any good) were simply too immeasurably potent, for our stomachs to take. They ragged on us for most of the match, and displayed shooting power and accuracy so clinical that not even Matt, if he'd eaten the team bus, could stop the decimation. The key word, of course, is 'most'. I could dwell on their infuriating ability to pass it from the back in one-twos; their dribblers who liked to run straight down your throat and then play chicken with your mistimed tackle; their 'little man syndrome' running his mouth off as much as his legs; and their golem centre-forward, with a weight and size, and illegal palming off technique, that allowed lay-offs into easy shooting opps. But I won't.

Instead, I'll sing the virtues of our team, ironic like X-Factor contestants sing Britney. The opposition were happy to stand off us, and gave us time on the ball - they weren't hack merchants, just body checkers - but we had to get possession of the ball first, and with their frequent forays into our half producing goals, this wasn't easy without the ref's whistling intervention. When we did find ourselves in scoring positions, we seemed incapable of blasting the ball anywhere than straight into the keeper's arms, despite Don flirting with him during the second half, to supposedly distract him.

At the back and through the middle, the usual suspects of brittle bones, old age, and spirited doggedness - Leo, Steve and Robbie, were trying to comprehend the sheer movement that was bearing down on them from all angles. And in goal, was Matt.

The last time Steve faced this opposition he had impressed them with his keenness to hack away at the legs of anyone near him, finally winding up the golem, with an objectionable swipe, much like hacking at a Redwood with a surgical scalpel. Verbal abuse had followed, and the hilarious taunt that Steve was a "dinlo". This time, Steve was spared such ignominy, but the monolith was still up to his usual arm and elbow up, stand on ball, lay off play. And reacting to it was what we had to try to do, without overly double-teaming him or else allow the other sneaky sons of bitches to slide past us into open space.

Up front, Alan, Gareth and Mike were doing their best to cause trouble. Gareth opened the scoring for us with a neatly executed skimmer that slid under their golden boy keeper's body, and Alan came out fighting, brutally wounded and mortally offended at the harsh words of the 'anonymous commentator' and the feared realisation that after last week's pretty damn good performance without him, his roadblock running down the left could be expendable. The skinhead managed to take less than five touches in his attempts at goal, suitably rewarded with two scores, one of which was a plum outside of the foot, inside of the near post job.

Mike huffed and puffed his way through the match, every shoddy shot or struggled control met with a frustrated grunt, it was like watching Wimbledon women, but without the panty upskirts. Or the tennis, erm... He still managed to get on the score sheet as a shot fired across their D, and rebounded off him into their net. Any closer to it and he would've been in the net himself, any further away, and the ball would've probably flown up and hit the moon. On it's way down. {grunt}

The first half ended with us 7-4 down, which was actually a fricking brilliant situation. If Matt had, well, you know, hmm, then even that tight score-line could've been even tighter. Beyonce in latex, I'm looking at you. Even Don had nothing negative to say. And Hell froze over (still warmer than earth, mind).

As Don would sappily say, in a one for all, all for one mantra, we were playing for each other, passing much better, substituting appropriately and defending like a cohesive unit. We were closing down like Woolworths, but still the opposition’s ability to shoot, by anyone from anywhere, pretty much on target every time, was making Matt, wearing his shorts over his trousers, look comic, but not in a superhero kind of way.

In his long forgotten return, Robbie looked not out of place, as the Mollys’ two up, two down formation was working as best it could, but even he couldn’t help getting bounced off by the physical game of the opposition. Using every trick in the hand(off)book, they were stronger and harder than us, not yet aggressively so. Hell they even apologised on occasions, when they thought they’d crossed the foul line, in a competitive but reasonably fair game. They needn’t have worried too much, because the referee wasn’t blowing for shit. Never mind not having ever seen his penis, he’d clearly never seen his elbow, and was obviously confused when said body part was being used as an offensive weapon in the game of FOOTball.

And so bodies hit the floor, as players got tangled up and tired, as the game drew to climax. Leo got decked onto his arse in the top left, as the ref blinked for about ten seconds, but got to his feet in time to see Steve rob the opposition, and send him away for a counter-attack, to drill home a beautiful stunner into the cornerest of the far corner. Leo even had time to follow it up with the exact same shot moments later, but their keeper stuck out a toe to deny him our second of the half.

As the final whistle blew, it didn’t feel like double figures against; it didn’t feel like only five for. We walked away from the match with our heads held high, our chests puffed out. We’d played to our strengths, and limited them to mostly long range shooting that you’d expect Matt to save {cough}. A well-deserved xmas break to warmer climes for the gaffer beckons, leaving behind a kitty dry and unloved. Didn’t Buster go to Spain?

With no Mollys’ Christmas do this year, I plan to celebrate the festive season by visiting lapland - but not the one that has a chained up reindeer, or resembles a muddy car park instead of the North Pole. Though, there are poles where I’m going.

What the goals website said.....

Gaffers Gob - The Elite 3rd Dec 08

To twist another saying to my ends, lasts night match can be summed up by "what a difference a Gareth makes".

Kudos to any player who stepped onto the pitch last night in what were almost arctic conditions.

Building on the improvement of last week, Gareth returned to the team to add an extra dimension of aggressive running and trickery with the ball. If he can just remember how to shoot straight he could be a heck of a player for us!

Nathan returned to form by not making the journey from Newbury and not letting me know until the match had kicked off. It was only luck the we still had 6 players as Leo was set to hang up his boots for the night. Despite Nathan's assertion that he had acceptable work related reasons, one wonders if this is clouding a return of Netball related excuses favoured by other team members.

The introduction of Gareth helped balance the link between attack and defence which has left us either overstretched at the back or painfully unable to score goals in recent weeks. A situation which is reflected in our lowly league position. Last night saw Leo, Steve and Mike breaking up attacks and harassing attackers who previously ran through our defence with ease while Gareth and little Mike were able to consistently harass the opposition defence and Goal. If only we missed the post less and hit the net more we would have won the match by 2 or 3 clear goals. That situation should improve as Gareth and Nathan return to form and fitness. Alongside this, i would like to repeat my assertion that the 6th and winning goal should not have stood due to being over height. Such a travesty should surely be avoided by the use of assisstive technology, although looking at the state of the patchy ball, Goals may not be able to afford such things (or even a competent ref!). I say that as i was struck in the face last night and that wasn't called over height either when by definition alone it was over chest height as it smashed me in my right eye socket.

Anyway, moaning aside, it cannot undo what was an awesome all round performance which pushed the promotion threatening whippersnappers all the way to the final whistle and shows that the The Mollie's are steadily returning to the dominant form we enjoyed 2 seasons ago. Gareth's return also poses a further question; now his son is back in the team, will our 'anonymous commentator' be so willing to slate all and sundry in his reviews of our games?

Anonymous comments (The Elite 3/12/08)

Quite clearly the introduction of Gareth back into the team helped to boost the team's morale.However it was also clear he was not match fit and possible should have come on for the last ten minutes of the match.I hope he will improve in the next few games.

The Elite were not as good as they thought they were!!Team wise the mollies played well and for each other a rare sight in these last few weeks,passing to each other was markly improved and there was no dribbling through on your own which can usually be broken down quite easily. Steve's tackles were good and he was rarely beaten he appears to have accepted the defenders role with ease. It must have been a big step for him and this is to his credit. " Old forwards never die they become defenders and become wiser " I am hopeful Allan will have the good grace to do likewise.Leo played his usuasl game and was in the thick of it throughtout, Matt's long throws were unusally accurate and his goalkeeping kept the scoreline down to 6, Big Mike played well and no-one could doubt his committment to the mollies.

Little Mike played his usual game refusing to come back and help his defenders out in the first half after some encouraging words at half time he did improve in the second half however, he steadfastly refused to be subbed off saying later he wasn't tired I respectfully suggested it wasn't always about what he thought, it should be about the team. Clearly if the gaffer plays him again? I wouldn't for at least a couple of matches,then he needs to act as a team member.Point of note Elite had 8 players and substitutions were regularly spaced I have suggested that our players should be subbed at regular intervals rather than putting their hand up when they feel tired or guilty?It may change our losing streak if decisions regarding subbing were made by players not on the pitch and their advisor yours truly.

8:6 The Elite 3/12/08 7.45pm

LOST 5-6
Matt, Leo, Big Mike1, Steve, Little Mike3, Gareth1

This match report has been reduced by 2.5%.

It’s been awhile, and in my lethargic absence, Anonymous and Gaffer have bravely offered alternative insights into the world of the Mollys, and long may it continue, with the Comments seemingly nihilistically negative, and the Gob overly orgasmically optimistic.

My trip up to the Steel City a few weeks back meant I lacked the opportunity to write up a match report for the game against Athletico Becks and the chance to call out the financial irregularities of our captain/manager and treasurer. The most notable revelation of that match came long before kick-off, with Matt showing off his new boots with a grandiose swagger of someone who had stolen money from a kitty trust fund man-purse to pay for them. Coincidently, Matt also announced that the kitty was no longer overflowing like rainbow end pots of gold, and had diminished to such an extent that any Christmas curry party would amount to hobo-licking the bottom of foil containers in the alleyway behind the Nat Raj.

Those of us with no imagination at all would happily accept such a turn of events, and rationally agree that a combination of a lack of players, and the use of a 14 year old, who can't afford the subs, but probably carries around £300 worth of stuff about his person (mp3 player, skater shoes, bling watch, PSP - source: ©The Daily Mail), has meant the man-purse has taken more hits than freemeganfoxnudepics.net. Roger Cook here however, wants a full investigation into any 3rd party Icelandic influences that our gaffer may be under; and any sinister betting patterns coinciding with Matt virtually throwing goals into his own net in recent weeks.

New boots for our keeper don't really assist of course, unless worn on the hands and would then provide a better grip on the ball than Matt's gloves have been showing. New boots however do assist the outfield players, and after literally 50 years of playing football with a pair of running shoes, Leo turned up last week finally having spent his own money on a pair of astro turf boots. This was a direct response to his previous wastefulness in the last game when a fistful of chances went straight at the opposition keeper with narrow game-losing consequences.

Leo's nu-boots (which weren’t jaffy pink) brought about the same impact that Steve's magic boots had done months previously, but in a positive way, and almost upstaged Nathan's long awaited return after his foot transplant bringing an immediate touch of attacking class, unlike Guns n’ Roses long awaited return delivering an immoderate piece of lacking ass. With one of our first team frontmen back in the line-up, it was like the good old days - a decent closely fought first half, followed by one heck of a second half collapse. With Don heckling from the sidelines about Alan and Steve’s less than stellar attacking, tracking back and defending, Steve finally snapped, telling our resident cheerleader to fuck off, in much the same way our opposition have often done. Unfortunately he wasn’t the only one to blame, as we failed to play ourselves out of our own half, and gifted them so many goals, it’s probably Christmas or something.

This week, saw the return of the other half of our double-barrelled striking shotgun, Gareth (and his floppy fringe) in a match against opponents, The Elite, we failed to beat previously when they’d gone down to four. With Little Mike in on the action, in place of an indisposed Nathan, it was now a question of whether we could now start to score goals into the double figures, after the fallow years of Alan and Big Mike upfront.

And whilst Gareth made it through the match unscathed, his first touch in much of the first half was happily humanly appalling. By the second, he’d warmed up enough, and drilled home an exceptional classic from the left. Alongside him, Little Mike also stuck home a fabulous solo goal, robbing an opposite number from our corner, running through the entire length of the pitch before sliding home. He even survived a half-time lecture from Don to track back more, and not stand idly on his own up front waiting for the counter. AND a full-time interrogation from Don, as to why he never subbed himself, despite the cheerleader’s belief he was knackered many times over. These unstoppable hormone-powered 14yr olds, eh?

The level of goals conceded was a real coup for the defensive unit - Matt, Leo and Steve working well to counter the obvious threat from the opposition’s runners - Steve getting his tactics right, “LET HIM DANCE!” as their ringer tried his blatant dodge-thrust manoeuvres to get past the crusty old sea dog, and failing on every occasion that mattered. Truly delighted with his performance, this is what happens when Steve actually DEFENDS, and the partnership with Leo was their best joint performance ever. Don would be proud.

Big Mike was a “ponsy” according to Don, which I think is a cross between pansy and ponce, wearing his shell suit trousers to keep out the cold despite the fact he has the thickest thighs of us all. Mike slammed home an early goal and celebrated like it was the 93rd minute winner, even smashing the ball home again in celebratory euphoria. Shame it only counted once, and he followed that up with less a succession of his usual high and wide shots, then with constantly getting the ball trapped beneath his retarded feet, and being turned over. In fact, from the whole strike force, there was a lot of stuttering, fumbling movements, and little incisive, crisp, immediate action. Definitely not helped by cold weather that burnt the hands, and froze the toes, our movement at times was confused and overcrowded in the final third.

Matt will protest as long as time, and as loud as hell, that their winning goal was over regulation height, but when you’ve gone to ground early, and you’re looking up from your prone useless position, everything seems like orbiting the moon from where you are. If it was that high, why didn’t you save it on the way up, or on the way down? You should’ve had enough time. Yeah, I said it.

And I agree with Don’s assertions about our pitifully slow free-kick taking (as I have done for many many years). We are not Premier League. We don’t rehearse set-pieces on the training ground. LOOK where you’re gonna play the ball. Then PUT the ball down. Then PLAY it. This is basic tactics 101. The dancing around to create space at free-kick opportunities is risible, and hoping that the opposition get suckered into calling our bluff and offering up gaps is giving us and them too much credit. Teams rarely cope with the quick ball - they can’t get men back in time. We should know - we’ve been fucked over by these two weeks running now.

In the end, we just couldn’t throw enough crap at their keeper, in the hope that some of it would stick, and another frustrating defeat raised it’s middle fingers. Their resident thug had enough time to be clattered down by a combination of Little Mike and Leo, get a free-kick awarded against him for handling, and then bitch something ponsy.

We’re improving, but without a settled side, we never have anything to build on, and the reset button gets hit every week. Where is our first real win since 10th September going to come from? Next week against the team that decimated us 17-5 last time? "Dinlo" Steve has some tactics for that. Better listen to him, eh?

Anonymous comments (Sniffers 26/11/08)

Has the gaffer lost the plot or was I watching a different game.His kindness to you players is unbelievable.

Leading 2-0 after 5 minutes the mollies looked like causing an upset but fortunately they didn't let me down up until half time I had nothing to report or critises. The second half as Matt tenderly hints was a watching another team or dare I say match fixing springs to mind. Players forgot to man mark and on two occasions dead ball situation allowed them to take full advantage of slack defending.Oppositon players were allowed freedom that only the united nations can dream about,As Allan said after the match we ran alot however, as I said you did not pass the ball to each other and attacks broke when players tried to dribble through.Matt complains regarding the present system its only 5 a side.The main talking point after the match was how many goals did you score. Steve and Allan be proud to be defenders.When we had defenders thye team line up included.

Matt
Robbie Leo
Nathan Gareth

So whats changed ? Allan likes to forward to sit in the left corner then rushes back to witness the other team scoring.Steve doesn't like staying in defence and spent the second half letting opposition players too much room he drifted away from them leaving them space. What was most different between the two teams in the second half was their passing and finish ours was non-existent.

Blast From The Past - Video Review 2/4/08

As promised 8 months ago, now that I have my new computer, here is the two part video review for The Molly Maguires versus The Entertainers on 2/4/08 - Part 1 (as seen only on Facebook) and the previously unseen Part 2.

Gaffers Gob 26/11/08

Last nights match can be summed up by my newly made up saying "What a difference half time makes".

With renewed confidence bolstered by a very strong performance in the first 10 minutes of the match, the Mollie's entered half time, although one down, confident of pressing and gaining a lead in the second half. Indeed this happened with the Mollie's equalising at 5 -5 just after half time. Unfortunately, they went on to score a further ten goals to our one.

My experience in goal tells me that the Mollie's have developed a slightly more defensive and counter attacking system in the time that Gareth and Nathan have been absent. With Nathan playing up front and not tracking back as much as Mike or Alan, i felt busier in goal. It may be that we should play in a 2-1-1 instead of a 2-2 with Nathan kind of utilised as a goal hanger and making use of forward passes and runs from the back from Mike, Leo and Alan (until his lungs allow him to track back more) . It seems to me that the Mollie's did not adequately adapt to a more attacking minded player returning (a similar problem to when Carlos played). That's not to detract from the constant threat on goal that Nathan poses and his finishing will become more clinical as his fitness and timing return and the Mollie's adapt to having him back up front (and it was nice to have someone make use of a kick off and to aim at when throwing the ball out). Alan (another goal threat of an entirely different calibre) was likely disappointed as his well finished own goal was disallowed for being over head height when he deflected it into the corner. However, it was a deadly finish none the less and one that the gaffer should be aware of at all times should he wish to back pass.

These teething problems should not detract from what was a very good performance at the back with Leo and Steve putting in very good defensive displays and Mike and Alan carrying the ball forward well. Unfortunately the Mollie's were a bit profligate up front (although their keeper(s) had a very good performance) despite Leo's long range effort being the goal of the game. Should our striking tighten up a bit i can feel confident that we'll do very when in Div 1. I say that in light of The Elite and Best Since Best (our next two opponents) drawing 17 all last night hinting that i may be something of a dart board in the next two matches.

8:5 Sniffers 26/11/08 7.00pm

Lost 6-15
Matt, Leo2, Steve1, Alan, Mike2, Nathan1

Gaffers Gob

The Hurricanes seem to have decided that discretion is the better part of valour (or they just fancied watching the England match instead) this week and cancelled on us. Despite this being our first win of the season, Steve took the news badly and at lunch on Wednesday, was nigh on crying into his Americano coffee. Despite his defensive hard man status and Vinnie Jones like reputation, he really does take rejection badly. Anyway, kick off is 7pm next week and see's the return of one half of our strike force in Nathan. Gareth despite being advised to have another month lay off played through an 11 a side match during the week without issue so will hopefully return quickly.

8:4 The Hurricanes 19/11/08 9:15pm

WON 10-0

By Default

Gaffer's Gob (Athletico Becks 12/11/08)

A week is a long time in charge of the Mollie's neatly sums up my feelings following Wednesday nights performance against Athletico Becks. After the detritus that was our match against the Elite the return of Big Mike and Robbie injected some much needed defensive backbone into our aging line-up at the expense of any attack minded players. Therefore it was no surprise that we held up well only conceding 6 goals, equally it was no surprise we only scored 4. However, in terms of sheer performance and guts shown it was a marked improvement from the previous week. Steve continued to show that he is the dirtiest player in our league with cynical trips and defensive positioning offsetting a lack of speed. Robbie also showed natural athleticism in barely breaking a sweat following a lay of about 3 months.

What made this a much more pleasing performance was the passing and general skill shown by the Mollie's (except up front). The impending return of Nathan is a boost for next week, especially given the natural finishing of Mike (some 40 foot above the bar and counting) and Alan (great finish, wrong net). However, this small errors in front of goal aside, the team has shown a great return to form with the hope of three points next week against fellow relegation battlers The Hurricanes. They lost 20-7 against The Elite on Wednesday indicating that the ringer may be a somewhat more permanent problem than hoped. Equally, our net loss by 8 goals against their 13 goals indicates that we may have some hope for our first points of the season.

Anonymous comments (Athletico Becks 12/11/08)

Worth the drag away from the fireplace on a cold and frosty night well it was cold.Mollies played as if they had some pride and would have like to have won if given the chance by the opposition.The long balls still gave Matt the idea he could win the game by scoring from a deflection, but at least this time we were giving 101% effort. Passing to each other was coming back into the game and rarely did Allan make the long runs into the corner. He seems to have readily accepted he plays better in defence and given a few more weeks in the role he will make the role his perminently.Leo played his usual role with determination and it would be remiss of me not to mention his three clear misses,I find it difficult to critise him as he himself is his biggest critic.The mollies would not be the mollies without him and you would not have your worthy cheerleader if he was dropped.Steve is finding the running after the young players difficult it maybe looking forward to his retirement do.We had some good news last night on the injury front Nathan maybe be coming back next week and hopefully it will be the end of the goal famine.Gareth 3 weeks time which will test theplayers for their places. When we play this team again in December we could hopefully be chosing from ,Matt, Leo, Mike,Nathan,Carlos?Gareth,little Mike, Steve, Allan, Robbie.

What the goals website said...

"They didn't expect anything more than a win". Classic Colemanballs.

8:3 Athletico Becks 12/11/08 8.30pm

LOST 4-6
Matt, Leo, Steve, Mike3, Alan1, Robbie

Gaffer's Gob (The Elite 5/11/08)

To supplement the infrequent and somewhat fictional match reports provided by Lungboy, the Gaffer has decided to add his own spin on the (at the moment) weekly debacle that is The Molly's.

"Oh dear", pretty much sums up last night abject display against our easy 3 pointers, The Elite. The Molly's suffered from a combination of an inability to hit the back of the net for the second week in a row and the introduction of a Southampton and Portsmouth FC schoolboy 'ringer'. I have it on good authority that he was drafted in to counter the threat posed by Gareth. Whether he continues to pose a threat in the future i suppose hinges on whether he will want to continue to play at Goals on a cold Wednesday Winters night.

However, ringers aside, Molly's did not help themselves with a lack of movement that could have turned the game when an opposition whipper snapper took umbrage at the referee for having the temerity to tell him off for attempting to decapitate our resident defensive journalist Lungboy. Safe to say the ref was happy at being called a see you next tuesday and reduced the opposition to 4 players.

At half time we were 8 goals behind as we were at the end of the match. Tactically in retrospect we could have asked Carlos to goal hang and brought little mike back to help break the midfield as for all of Carlos's flair and ball skills, his Latin tackling was not his best suit. We frequently had 2 or 3 players trying to tackle one leaving a man over which is criminal when you have a numerical advantage. Either way, next week should see the return of Mike and the possible return of Robbie if he returns my email and text messages.

I am somewhat concerned about Don's prognosis that Gareth will be out for another month. There is no doubt we have missed the duo of Gareth and Nathan up front as our lowly league position will testify. Oh and if anyone thinks that i missed criticism of myself, i have to admit that i was shocking in goal last night.

'Anonymous' comments (The Elite 5/11/08)

Good game to watch, Allan summed it up they wanted to win,sadly the Mollies played with a lack of direction or discipline.Tired towards the end of the first half they refused to play and pass to each other and golden rules were broken throughout.The opposition reduced to 4 men after a violent tackle upon our blameless Leo mananged to contain our long shots which were just not good enough. Whilst overal spirits remain high the plain facts we fielded unfit players some of which don't listen or learn from mistakes made on a weekly basis.Players coming off when they feel their tired is not the answer.I was reminded once again "I paid £7" which is not a good omen for Mollies future.

Members performance:
1. Matt made some good saves and I wouldn't critise his overal committment after being threathened at half time not to throw long balls he was left with little alternative by the players in front of him who failed to make space for themselves.
2. Leo was strongly committed but struggled with fitness.
3. Steve looked unfit and slightly overweight and hasn't learned anything from my coaching, making strong tackles which rarely paid off living him stranded and Matt vunerable.
4. Allan has lost the will to win and barely threatening the opposition's goal.
5. Carlos showed all the attributes that are the hallmarks that is the Mollies but he lacked the support of his team mates who had forgotton Don,s golden rules.
6.Young Mike showed little of hishis early promise and was reduced to walking for the ball and hoping the opposition made mistakes to enable him to get the ball. Whilst he was obviously tired in the the last 30 minutes of the match he steadfastly refused dispite my demands to come off. Clearly "I've paid my £7" syndrome. Bluntly no team spirit I could not resist thetemptation to play him again.
7. Adam as usual played his nomal game and the opposition's three out fielders found it difficult to go round him.

Overal using Leo's words your passing to each other was shit and mainly non-existant.Don't go forward unless you can run back was abandoned once again for selfeshness"I want to score"syndrome .Steve and Allan be proud of being a defender you haven't got the pace or skill to be anything else, I hope for the teams sake your listening. Move around at the back so Matt has someone to throw the ball at,don't use free-kicks as a means of getting a rest,Leo made some room for himself on one occasion and may have scored if Steve had reacted quicker with the free kick.Bluntly, Allan and Steve take penaties not free kicks.Yours D.J.

Gaffer's Gob (Best Since Best 29/10/08)

Bit of a shocker this one. Molly's appeared to be outplayed in all areas of the pitch. Despite an injection of continental flair from Carlos, and some fairly accurate and intricate passing, Molly's rarely hit the back of the net. Alongside this, there appeared to be a lack of communication between the front players and defence leaving Steve and Leo exposed at the back and trying to counter overlaps. All in all, a bit of a rude awakening for the Molly's entering a new season, highlighting the need for a speedy recovery of Gareth and Nathan.

8:2 The Elite 5/11/08 8:30pm

LOST 8-16
Matt, Leo, Alan1, Steve, Little Mike4, Carlos3, Adam

A history of violence.

I’ve only been involved in a few acts of physical violence in my lifetime (I don’t include the odd punch and slap between my siblings). I was probably nine for my first perpetration of aggression upon a stranger. Primary school. Playground tussle with a childish jerk. Back in those days I knew nothing of Karate Kid or Rope-a-Soap, so fighting like a girl was the preferred modus operandi (i.e. hair-pulling).

When I was ten, my friend and I were walking home from school, when we were confronted by one of the more under-privileged, ill-educated members of our peerage. A ‘Hatcher’. My friend told me to run home, and like a coward I did, whilst he took a possible bullet of a beating for me.

The next significant act of violence will be familiar to anyone who knows me – early 20s – whilst at work, I ran under and smashed over a three-way ladder, as someone stood at its top. Gravity and the grace of God fought hard for him to live or die, but a broken arm, a fractured arm and an emptying of bowels were the only consequences of my vicarious liability personal injury claim.

The most recent act of violence forced upon me was on Wednesday night. Towards the end of the first half against The Elite, a match they were winning 9-1 at the time, I was minding my own business collecting the ball from our corner. Clearly I had been singled out as the best Molly player, and marked out for special treatment. Treatment came in the form of an unprovoked nowhere-near-the-ball challenge that smashed my fragile body against the side wall and into a heap on the ground.

I know how to take a fall. I have martial arts training. Orange belt. So when one takes a fall, you do so to minimise the impact, allow the opportunity to roll with it, and get back into a fighting stance. It helps greatly for maximum effect to shoulder barge the side wall as you’re falling, so the bang of the wham is good n’ loud.

Whilst I wasn’t so bothered about the shit challenge, the ref took umbrage at the gross act of mindless violence, and was all set to sin bin the Elite perp for four minutes, except he refused to give his name to the ref, and used enough colourful language to fully stock Mr Magorium’s Wankerful Cuntorium.

As a side-note, this was the same ref in a previous match, that had thought my outburst of “you fucking idiot” directed at myself for passing the ball high, was directed at him as he blew for the foul. A trigger-happy twitcher or an unsung moral crusader?

So the red card ensued, and the offender defiantly left, remembering to take his car keys out of his mate’s bag; and what looked like shit creek without a paddle had a turning point. We had now been given a paddle.

Unfortunately shit creek tends to be one long straight, with no turnings. As the Gaffer and the Cheerleader have already in more eloquent terms put it, we ended up drowning in the stuff, and getting beaten 16-8, despite playing against four men, despite always supposedly having an extra man in space.

So it leaves me with nothing else to say, but thank our Portuguese superstar, Carlos for the footballing education, his command of the English language strong enough to shout “press, press” as the match descended into farce. So embarrassed at how we could possibly lose, our ringer winger wasn’t sticking around in this country to find out, getting on the next available flight out.

8:1 Best Since Best 29/10/08 7:45pm

LOST 5-17
Matt, Leo, Steve, Alan, Little Mike5, Carlos

Season 7 - Final Statistics

vs. Unassigned 22/10/08 20:30 (7:10)

WON 10-0

By default

vs. Athletico Becks 15/10/08 19:45 (7:9)

LOST 17-4
Matt, Leo, Steve1, Don, Mike3, Alan

I am Molly’s utter dejection.

With a minute left, we neared the end. The whistle tongued by the referee, pursing his lips and blowing for the seventeenth time as the Molly Maguires brushed the ball off the centre spot, and Mike smashed another long-range effort wide and harmless. This was the lowest ebb. Front row for Project Overkill, squirming in my seat, drifting dead like a space monkey.

We failed and here’s why. The reasons why you may already know. The opinions how you may not agree with. A 17-4 defeat, you cannot dispute.

Don’s immobility. Never known for his pace, Don nevertheless is as an immoveable object as a Teutonic plate, with a speed to match. With the ball, Don gets bounced off, without it he stumbles around as the defence get in behind him to lash shots in from angles. Even when Don got in the way, he merely acted like a ball ramp, a conduit to Matt’s far hand corner.

Matt’s handling. Utterly atrocious. We have to rely on Matt being worth at least half-a-dozen saved goals – proper, meaningful stops. Tonight he saved nothing worth talking about. His near post was constantly penetrated, and he couldn’t hold on to anything. The slippery surface beating him all ends up. He should have lost some sleep over this performance.

Leo’s fitness. Off the pace from the start. His reaction times and intercepting skills were non-existent, allowing him to be dragged into no-man’s land, as two attackers would leave him stranded, and the defence exposed. His shooting was predictable, and with their keeper, died in his arms (tonight).

Steve’s non-penetrating flick-ons. As focal midfield point man, Steve was tasked with creating opportunities through the midfield. This amounted to little more than incessant attempted flicks into the paths of runners, which rarely came-off. Gareth can make this tactic look good. The rest of us make this look like crap.

Alan’s dead end running. It’s returned. Alan’s inability to shake off his man, or play an early ball, frequently found him crowded out in the corner, isolated from his teammates and ripe for counter. Unable to step inside, to get the shot away with his right foot, Alan was caught between the wall and his marker, narrow like a moving trash compacter.

Mike’s shooting. Make no mistake, Mike can launch an exocet from long range, but rarely found the target from distance, without some lucky help. Shorter range - better chance to test their rookie keeper. It never happened. Mike thrives on ploughing through onto a final pass to hit shots goal ward. He was having to create that final pass for himself.

We didn’t man-mark tight enough. They had two defenders at the back that would play the ball between them until an angled pass on the wing became available. One of these defenders would then crash forward to get the return, and scatter our defenders all over the place. We played too deep, and too central without the necessary overlapping runner. Our shots were frequently from central positions and rarely troubling the keeper, when angled shots would have tested him more.

We played too frequently with our back to their goal, receiving the ball, and having to lay off the pass, because the turn and run just wasn’t capable of being achieved. There was no intelligent movement off the ball, forcing worthless passing, or Matt to rubbishly attempt his long throws, excruciatingly intercepted.

We needed to be tighter to our opposite numbers, especially when they had possession, even as to go so far as to man-mark them. They are not solo runners, they pass and move, rarely shooting from distance. A good zonal 2-2 system should’ve contained them, and our opportunities to counter would largely come from being harder in the tackle, winning the 50-50 ball, and bursting through their last man, rather than trying to play in behind them.

Short balls out of defence need to be adopted as the norm, except in obvious counter-act opportunities, but Matt’s so slow to get rid, the opposition closes the gaps before we can capitalise. We need to stop shooting from the centre circle, and instead play a short ball back, and then for the attackers to move into advanced space. Too frequently the ball gets played, and everyone remains static. All we did was concede territory. Finally, what’s with the slow free kicks? They blocked any close quarter shot we had, because our passing wasn’t firm enough, or too close to them.

On the plus side, Mike scored a wind assisted three goals, and he and Steve combined for a superb manoeuvre that allowed the latter to stroke home into the bottom far corner.

Can we do better next Wednesday against the same opposition? We are about to find out.

'Anonymous' comments (Athletico Becks 15/10/08)

Our Anonymous reporter is a lot more forgiving than I intend to be:

"Outplayed the team was no match for A.Becks whose total age was a young 120 years where the mollies was in the region of 267 years. Don coming coming out of retirement had little or no effect however he score a hatrick in his own goal something he has never done in his long career. Whilst denying his unfitnessto play his legs lacked the youthful pace of the other team.Steve and Allen were attempting to excercise the mid field general role long vacated by John's retirement.Shouting above each other but lacking a sense of direction they could have used their energies by scoring more goals.In fairness the other teams youthful players man marked and slipped away from our marking quite easily. They passing was good and their finishing was excellent we sadly need a coach which we all will listen to. Never the less we deserved a better,result. a point of note they played with 7 players like Testwood and were able to sub more frequently. Or I'm just looking for excuses. If we had 4 unfit players?I have to say I was the worst."

Why the goals website should even bother anymore.....

'Anonymous' comments (Ali Jazeera 8/10/08)

Thanks again for this dissenting view from our regular contributor:

"With leo, natnan, Gareth injured,That Don was asked to attend and play was quickly dismissed when Allen and Steve over ruled the captains decision by the attitude WE paided our £6.50 and we want our monies@s worth. Sadly Steve wasn't match fit and Allen was off form both scoring no goals.Effort was good however but clearly but for a above par performance by Matt we would have suffered a bigger defeat. Young Mike played well but tired towards the last 15 minutes Big Mike endured his chest problems and was involved throughout.Allen's nephew made up the team 6 as agreed by S&A rule69 appendix Z.But as a ringer lacked in depth football knowledge however to his credit he did score but sadly liken to gareth's friend Micheal may not be called again to play again in our league. Not nice to watch"

vs. Ali-Jazeera 8/10/08 19:00 (7:8)

LOST 12-5
Matt, Little Mike4, Steve, Alan, Little James1, Big Mike

"Good effort last night despite going down 12-5. Little Mike of the Jesus hair scored four (although he obviously didn't try hard enough as he followed our match by playing for the Elite of division 1) and James (Alan's nephew continuing the current trend of extended family and fiancees - nephews - girlfriends - brothers pet dog playing up front) scored 1. However, we were uncharacteristically loose at the back at times last night leading to a few 2 on 1's. Hopefully Leo's elephant leg will heal soon.

Next week i have been confidently assured by the Goals staff is still on (despite Goals looking like a ghost town last night) and is a 7.45 kick off.

I would expect a very similar team to last night with Gareth being out for about 3 more weeks and Nathan out for at least that long."

vs. Unassigned 1/10/08 21:15 (7:7)

WON 10-0

By Default

Leo's Left Thigh Injury 24/9/08

'Anonymous' comments (Testwood FC 24/9/08)

Thanks again to a disappointed Anonymous for this report:

"Testwood unusally showed a more discipled side to their game without their rebust fouling captain who apprantly had cried off the game when he learned that dj was coming out of retirement to settle a few scores that had been left over from the previous match some 5 weeks ago.
Back to tonights match,Leo pulled a leg muscle and had to revert to the goalkeepers slot but never the less the game was even and at one the mollies took the lead in the second half. eventually the mollies lost the game as they refused to use their substitute in the second half.Matt looked tired during the last ten minutes but steadfastly refused to come off dispite being short of breath doubled up on more than one occasion. Testwood who were concerned with winning the game subbed throughout the second half frequently and it was no surprise that the mollies lost the game by poor management decisions a bit like the McClaren Hamiliton fiasto.
Never the less Matt lasted to the end and teamwork was again the casulaty.The golden rule don't go forward unless you can run back to defend was abandoned to allow testwood to steal the game. Which this reporter feels was ours to win, a sad day for the Mollies."

vs. Testwood FC 24/09/08 20:30 (7:6)

LOST 12-9
Matt, Leo, Alan4, Mike, Gareth5, Don

A game of three halves. Match report to follow

What the goals website said.......

Now they're just making stuff up.

vs. Athletico Becks 10/09/08 19:00 (7:4) and Boro Boys 17/09/08 19:45 (7:5)

vs Athletico Becks
WON 11-6
Matt, Leo, Steve1, Alan2, Mike3, Gareth5

vs Some Cowards Who Didn't Turn Up
WON 10-0 by default
Matt, Leo, Steve, Alan, Mike, Gareth

I had hoped to write this report as a double-header as the same Molly line-up locked horns with two sets of opposition. Alas, this wasn’t the case, and so to spare myself the agony of draining out the stagnant memories of games gone by, I present the following out of date and abridged reports.

Vs Athletico Becks

We’re almost there. He just has to prove his fitness. Just has to show good during his trial. Secure that loan move to Birmingham. And Nigel Quashie will fall from the neck of West Ham like a dead albatross. Never mind the gaining of manager Zola, or the loss of sponsor XL, this is the best news all fortnight.

The world didn’t end on Wednesday in Geneva. The world didn’t end on Wednesday in Zagreb. Which is just as well, given that the Mollys are finally showing signs of footballing recovery. It is indeed a good life-affirming night when we could give away so many opportunities and still win against Athletico Becks by a solid margin.

The return of Mike to the attack was a major boost, and provided the right wing width, to Alan’s left. Steve would provide the central thrust, leaving Leo to guard the defence, whilst Gareth went where the action was. It was a dynamic, yet structured, flexible, yet disciplined formation, which played to individual strengths.

Matt had spent the pre-match build-up padding up his fingers with sofa stuffing and sellotape, but the only thing he really needed to fear were penalty shots getting drilled at him at regular intervals during the match.

With tactics correct to begin with, and playing from the end closest to the door, so that Gareth avoided having to run through the ref against the wall, Becks provided such an insignificant challenge to us, that we felt it necessary to shoot ourselves in the foot, shoot ourselves through the head, and burn down our country mansion.

With their primary striker firmly in Leo’s back pocket with his loose change and ipod, and the Molly wingers displaying such boundless displays of energised running, the opposition found us impossible to contain, and impervious to damage. With Steve slicing through the opposition with a trademark through ball to set up Alan, and Gareth mimicking Robinho-like power dribbles across the outfield, this game was simply about four penalties.

The first went in our favour, as their keeper handled the ball sliding beyond the line, and was routinely dispatched by Gareth. The next three were cheap value own brand giveaways that were avoidable but forgivable, when spooned onto a plate next to our attacking truffles.

Alan gave away the first, when completely in the clear and under no pressure whatsoever he impatiently taps the ball back to Matt whilst still in the area, in such blatant language that even the Polish ref could understand. The second giveaway was by Steve, in a manoeuvre that is now being referred to as “the pass back to Leo”, as a throw out to Steve from Matt, didn’t get the forward thrust needed, headed back towards our goal, dissecting where Leo was, and apparently needed to be, for a second penalty to be conceded, but thankfully not the goal itself, as Matt showed great Grobbelars to force the shot onto the bar. The third penalty came from Alan, from the other wing in another ‘pass back to Leo’, who could’ve sworn he was in the same place he’d been for 90% of the match – on the top of the D – and the resulting shot went to Matt’s right.

Even with these minor indiscretions, the Mollys were comfortable winners, and that’s about it.

Inter-Molly Match

So with the opposition failing to turn up for tonight’s match, we didn’t concede any penalties, won by 10-0, and dusted off the bi-annual Inter-Mollys trophy. The line-up was The Young Braves (Matt, Leo and Gareth, with rush keeper) vs The Old Codgers (Don, Steve, Mike, Alan). What did we learn from this heated, excessively sweaty no holds barred friendly? What fears did we experience that our opposition get to fear every week?

-Leo can hit a football into the air and over the fencing at the same angle as NASA rockets launch
-Don can walk around the outside of Goals to retrieve said shot with the same speed of a hike along the Great Wall
-Having Mike run at you is like a Redwood coming crashing down on you
-Matt’s fitness has improved, his shot accuracy has not
-Don looked swoonsome in his silky wife-beater shirt
-Steve really does clip opposition’s heels, and then protests his innocence (my heel will testify if required)
-The Old Codgers aren’t as gung-ho ruthless in their shooting as the Young Braves
-Don was clearly using the match as a warm-up practise for possible revenge taking against Testwood FC the following week
-Leo scored a smarmy back-heel when surrounded by Last of The Summer Wine

The shouts of ‘next goal wins’ were called, as the next teams waited to come onto the pitch, and it elicited flashbacks of desperately trying to pot the black, as the 50 pence pieces piled up on the table, but finally Mike slashed a stinging shout into the bottom left to win the cup for the oldies in what had been a very even match, but a worthwhile use in short succinct passing, and an exercise in stamina running.

Molly Xmas Do

The poll results so far for choice of The Molly Maguires Christmas Do are as follows:

Matt: Pre-‘going away to Florida for Xmas’ Holiday Curry
Steve: Karaoke
Dean: Curry for free, and after-dinner speech
Alan: Curry with chips
Robbie: All You Can Eat Curry
Gareth: An evening with his heroes

Get your votes in, or don’t - I’ll have a drink on you.

Croatia vs. England 10/9/08

For all those who missed the match on Setanta, here are the full highlights, at no cost to you, blog reader, because I value your worthless custom.

3rd min: I get back from (my brilliant) defensive duties for the Molly Maguires, and sit down in front of the TV, simmering in my own sweat
6th min: "He can't cross!" shouts my dad, as Theo stubs the ball out in the penalty area
9th min: England produce a shit corner
12th min: James drops the ball from a corner, and continues to look like an over-rated dick
15th min: Some Croat dribbles through the England defence and almost gets lucky
21st min: "England are starting to tire," says Craig Burley. "Why can't Setanta get some decent commentators?" says my dad
22nd min: "Clear penalty," says Burley, as Heskey falls over, tripped by a blade of grass
25th min: GOAL! Theo scores, getting the break from a ricocheted clearance. My living room goes nuts
28th min: James gets away with a crap punch, as the follow up shot is blocked by Wes Brown. Robert Green needs to get a start
32nd min: I take another sip from my can of Carlsberg
38th min: Theo gets flattened onto his arse, and is driven off the pitch on a golf cart. Obviously he comes back on..
43rd min: Heskey heads the ball on to no-one. Come back Crouch, all is forgiven
45th min: Croatia blaze a close-range free-kick over

Half-time: Venables, Allardyce and McManananaman talk shit for 15 minutes - they're probably talking shit whilst we're watching the adverts

49th min: Lampard has a good low free-kick saved
51st min: Joe Cole gets clattered with an elbow in a jump for the ball. He pats his head. There's blood on his hands. He walks three steps, and then melodramatically falls down. Golf cart comes on
52nd min: Croatia's captain Kovac is sent off for deliberately leading with elbow
53rd min: Cole is subbed for some Spurs twat
58th min: GOAL! Theo scores, as Rooney plays him in, and he strikes it across the keeper into the side of the goal. "Yay!" we all shout
62nd min: GOAL! Jenas does in ten seconds what Downing has failed to do with 20 caps, and gets past the last defender, to the byline, pulling back a cross for Rooney to side-foot home
74th min: Not much happening. I've booted up my computer to avoid boredom
75th min: Lamps scores a goal but it's disallowed because a Croat slips over - as there's a big black man standing near him, the ref must've thought an assault had taken place
77th min: GOAL! Terry loses his marker as a Croat scrapes his high studs down Terry's face, and play carries on. Ferdinand can't cope with two attackers coming at him, and some foreigner slots home through James
80th min: Capello stands in front of an advertising board for some Croat website, and it makes him look like he's got angel wings growing from his back
81st min: GOAL! Rooney plays Walcott in again who comes across the area before placing his shot beyond the keeper. Everyone watching is as suitably happy as the situation demands
83rd min: James runs out of his area and clatters into a Croatia striker. This lame horse needs to be shot
87th min: West Ham star defender Matthew Upson replaces Ugly Terry
88th min: Shots of Croatia supporters bouncing up and down in joyous delight that even in defeat, they don't have to support our ruddy national side
90th min: Joe Cole sits on the bench in his England blazer. You can see his gash

Full-time: West Ham United dodge a Bilic-shaped bullet. I have a shower

'Anonymous' comments (Ali-Jazeera FC 3/9/08)

Thanks to Mr A'd'onymous for another superb alternate view match report:

"After a short holiday? where I have been seaching the criminal justice system in Scotland for new and exciting players I return to view the same old stuff from the mollies. Leads been frittered away by lapses of concentration and general loss of defensive attitudes when facing the dead ball situations.Thats the criticism over, remarkably you all played well and showed a promise for the future.You have learned that if you come go forward out of defence YOU must come back to defend. A lesson not to be forgot, though Robbie was left bae arsed at the back a few times and had little answer for the black Ronaldo who was very good.I hate to pick on players worthy of mention (he he).Robbie looked rusty after his long lay off on childcare duties sessions in the gym and sauna may increase his fitness and sex life.Alan made good runs forward and his challenges were worthy of DJ at his best. Steve scored possible the best goal of the match and Leo made good runs forward even if he was over protecting his sore toe in the tackles he made. Gareth showed glimpses of his former self, but it would seem he has sacrificed his fitness for work and sex.Matt was his normal self fumbling with the ball but still making the brave saves we have come to accept as normal.Adam was his steadfast in defence what he lacks in footballing skills is made up by his blocking movements. I was glad to see our fan base has increased by 100% which bodes well for our future dealing in the transfer markets.A mention for Nathan a sad loss giving up cigs. has proved more difficult than even I could have predicted and his injury couldn't of helped either I wish him well and looked forward to his return from the Priory match fit and healthy.Beaten 9-8 was a good result the opposition were a good team after they cleaned up their act after a few encouraging words from yours truly,sin bin him ref. he touched our Gareth And a gentle reminder at half time, your just a bairn(baby) I could eat you , when he requested I play the second half.However we did shake hands after the match."

vs. Ali-Jazeera FC 03/09/08 21:15 (7:3)

LOST 9-8
Matt, Leo1, Steve1, Alan1, Adam1, Robbie, Gareth4

Having received some fair but stinging criticism from our resident cheerleader that my last couple of reports have been somewhat negative, and a sad reflection of our performances, I am determined to put a more positive spin on things this time. To be honest, the boys have given me so much material's worth to take the mickey this week, that Minnie's going to be very sore in the morning.

The evening had started pleasantly enough. Steve regaled us with stories of how he loves hearing stories of people defecating on each other in the woods. Deviancy remained the topic, the conversation turning to the Xmas staff party and Robbie's overly keen confirmation he would be there. With a cartoon character costume theme, suggestions for characters that the Turk could come as included Toad Of Toad Hall, Obelix, a funhouse squashed mirror version of Desperate Dan, and Silas Greenback. Then the first major shock of the evening occurred, requiring double takes from those fortunate enough to see this Hailey’s Comet-like event. Matt strode into the bar wearing a blue shirt. {gasp}

Matt had LIED TO HIS FIANCEE that he wouldn't play in goal with his possibly fractured thumb and had left his house wearing his blue shirt of shame to PERPETUATE THE LIE TO HIS FIANCEE. He must have told her that he was only going to play for literally two minutes, because any longer and she would've sussed that HE WAS LYING TO HER. And had she any idea of what and where this blog is in the interweb cyber-space, she would know that MATT LIED TO HIS FIANCEE.

The gaffer without his grey keeper's shirt on is like a haggis without skin, but his wearing of a blue football top was the most surreal sight you ever did see. Except that there were more shirt-related shocks to come.

Whilst Matt got down to his skimpies in the bar to slip on his regulation goalkeeping attire, I repressed those mouth-watering images (the way your mouth waters just before you throw up), to recall similar soothing scenes of schoolgirls changing into cool clothes in the washrooms of Degrassi Junior High. Matt had also come prepared with a performance enhancing super gel for his little fat digit. Forgoing filling his gloves with ACME nuts and bolts, the gaffer lubed up and padded out his right thumb in the hope of making it through at least the first half without flinching. Like dipping a pork sausage into lard.

It was confirmed by Steve and Alan, that Nathan's injury last week was worse than first feared. A pitch side amputation of his left foot by Goals' expert first aid team, resulted in Nathan driving back to Newbury entirely in first gear, because he couldn't operate the clutch. Nathan's foot has started it's own Myspace page, and already has an average 9.7 rating on Hot Or Not?

With Big Mike and Little Mike taking drugs, having it large, and listening to shitcore music in Ibiza, it was a pleasant surprise to actually have a seven-man squad available, with both Adam and Robbie making welcome returns to the team. Gareth had also returned from his weak knee week away, again with his touchline totty in tow, thus dispelling those pervading Yoko rumours. It already puts her in the enviable position of going on to win the most caps for a Mollyette, overtaking Steve’s wife, and Don’s ex-wife/ex-fiancée/current wife (so many, they all blur into one).

Just as pleasant a comeback was the return of our mascot Don. When opposing teams speak of The Molly Maguires, they whisper in hushed reverent fear of the 'old Geordie man who tells us off'. His active encouragement from the sidelines has been sorely missed; his verbal sparring still hirarious; and his positive vibes radiated through the team. Gushing with a soppy tale of his new joint personalised number plate that proclaims CJ X DJ = L0V, you couldn't help but be soaked in that Love Actually feeling.

It was Adam who provided the further shirt shenanigans, late again (not a shock) wearing a red shirt (major shock), and this threw up all sorts of interesting slanderous scenarios. Perhaps, he'd been caught short again with his cross-dressing antics at his girlfriend’s, and had left his pale blue/grey t-shirt aboard the family yacht. Perhaps, he's been moonlighting in another sport that requires lumbering around and hitting things (probably Real Tennis). Perhaps, three weeks on from his last appearance, he'd forgotten what colour we play in. Or, perhaps, he was pretending to be our ringer.

Now if you type in Ali Jazeera and Molly Maguires into Google - top fucking entry! That’s right, this match report is the first entry on the behemoth that is Google. I’ve finally made it. Of course, type in Molly Maguires on its own, and you can’t find this blog under the crap of Irish pubs and coal miners. Anyway Jazeera were our opposition; fresh unknown opponents, with that rarely seen commodity in their midst – an ethnic minority.

Hopes were reasonably high that we’d actually put in at least a half-decent performance, boosted by Gareth’s refreshed return to vertical calorie-burning and a back-line born and bred to defend. Whether we could actually win would be down to how well the rest of the team supported Gareth in attack, and whether Matt could cope with the hard fingering of balls.

So what actually happened during the match? (This is where the report gets dull). Well for a start, Alan turned in one of his finer performances, gee’ed (or jeered) on by Leo, who demanded less procrastinating on the ball, and more two-touch bang-whallop action. And it worked. Less was Alan running into the corners without a viable outlet surrounded by defenders, then he was sharply drawing in his marker and releasing the ball quicker to a team-mate, or goal-wards, allowing time to re-group as the pressure remained on the opposition.

Steve was getting away with as many shimmies as he could, linking up extremely well in the midfield, and forming a useful if unorthodox partnership with Gareth, which produced a sublime goal for Steve’s banana-shaped right foot. His old geezer status was also giving us some sort of tactical edge, a dampening effect on the fouls he was committing, when he was deliberately kicking out at the opposing strikers, or blatantly touching the ball as it bounced above and in the keeper’s area.

Leo was doing a better job of staying in contact with the rest of the team, with virtually no worthless goal-hanging, instead banging home a long range effort from Gareth’s kick-off that the cheeky ref labelled an ‘overhit pass’. He revelled in the freedom of being a defensive midfield, with the full knowledge that Adam and Robbie were always in close proximity. And even those two dumplings managed to get forward to shoot, Adam sweetly side-footing home our last goal of the game from a wall-rebound, Robbie less successfully putting his one effort wide.

Gareth enjoyed his now customary spat with an opposing player, as the shoving and barging on the left wing developed into over-dramatics, and Don’s protests that the Jazeera aggressor should be ejected from the field of play were met with a typical ‘come onto the pitch’ response. “I cud have youse,” retorted the Geordie hard-man, with typical unfazement.

The intent of our passing was crisp, but the outcome wasn’t always accurate, frequently unforced errors being not so much intercepted, as simply received. And whilst Matt’s throwing was again looking less than smart without Nathan’s deft touch to receive, his shot-blocking was this week high priority and satisfactorily delivered. It may have been just my sight, but Matt seemed to be catching or batting away balls right on the edge of his D more so than ever, and his handling showed no signs of his thumb being as worthless as one stuck up his arse.

Half-time had finished 6-4, with a badly timed collapse toward the end, allowing the team with a terrorism propaganda name (the added ‘i’ is for ignorant) to start the second half ahead. It was obvious what we needed to do, as Gareth dished out the tactical advice, and that was to contain and control he who the Molly mascot refers to as the black Ronaldo (that’s the black olive-skinned Ronaldo, as opposed to the black black Ronaldo).

For whilst the rest of the opposition could produce some serious heavy duty shooting, their main frontman, through whom nearly every attack went, was causing us no end of grief. The little blitter was like a gnat in your spacesuit, sand in your v-j. He had good close control, and had the pace to shift himself and the ball into space, bouncing around like a demented Yoda, frequently getting into one-on-ones against Matt, with a re-count needed as to whom came out on top.

That’s not to say he didn’t have weaknesses that will need to be exploited to the full next time. The bugger couldn’t stay on his feet. His centre of gravity was shifting the earth closer to the sun, and he either fell over because his little legs couldn’t keep up with his torso, or admittedly we were hustling him over. Not difficult, but like hacking down Gary Coleman, with a baseball bat to the ankles. Winning those direct free-kicks against us on the outskirts of our D, his presence constantly put us in danger, with even Leo ending up on his ass, trying to block him, and Robbie ending up on what must have felt like several backsides as well.

The first trick is to get to the second ball – one defender to square up to him, and the second to steal away the shift or pass which he will inevitably make. He’s a conventional front-man – he doesn’t run forty yards straight at you, he picks it up from a standing start, and tries to pass through you, or crab walk into an angle. The second trick is to keep the ball - once he loses it, he’s first to try to win it back, and often did. Like the Molly’s star player, he too was called Leo. Which actually makes it two Leo’s that Leo has now played against. What a great name. Leo.

Whilst it felt like much worse, we actually did them over in the second half to reduce the final deficit to just 9-8, with Gareth again producing an all round goal-scoring display of blurry swerve, and Alan bunting home a well-deserved goal of his own.

What was perhaps the most surprising thing about this match was that it was actually quite enjoyable to play. There was a strong team ethic, we never felt out of the contest, it wasn’t a nasty moany encounter (for the most part), and Don provided more laughs than the Katy Brand show.

So with Matt surviving a full match without major damage to his thumb*, expertly convincing his team-mates that he made all his saves with his left hand, could he survive the interrogation when he got home? I don't have any confirmed sightings yet, that prior to leaving, Matt urinated on his blue shirt to give it that authentic "I've been running for forty minutes" smell, before slipping it back on. And whether Steve was behind a tree, watching.

* The sports bar collaboration with Leo’s toe and Nathan’s foot will just have to wait.

Leo's Toe Injury 27/8/08

vs. Ajax Treesdown 27/08/08 20:30 (7:2)

LOST 16-2
M*tt, L*o, St*ve1, Al*n, Little M*ke1, N*than

“Two bodies have I. Though both joined in one. The stiller I stand. The faster I run.”

I would have personally preferred something like “Headsoff” or “Floor Cleaner”, but who am I to criticise the dearth of imaginative names. Yet if there was any reason to believe that The Molly Maguires had reached their nadir last week, that reason was suffocated under the cannon fodder corpses of tonight’s match.

When there are times like these, you wish that one of the old boys would finally reveal that he hasn’t been telling us the truth, is actually a secret millionaire, was looking for a worthwhile charitable cause. And found it in us.

When an opposition player asks you if your keeper has a twin brother who can play for them even whilst the gaffer’s letting in 16 goals, and we barely trouble them with two, you just know you’re having a bad day.

When your primary striker is, an emo-fringed 14 year old who can’t track back, and can’t beat two defenders (I’m bemoaning the attempt, not the failure), supported by a middle-aged winger who can run the whole length of the pitch, lose it without getting a shot off, and then has to run back the entire length of the pitch to prevent the counter-strike, goals are going to be as hard to come by, as watching a Madonna nude scene is hard to cum by.

When your primary defender is unable to hold his position at the heart of defence, because he deludingly thinks he can impact the forward threat, supported by a brittle-boned mad-dog whose free-kicks are so slow that the tide has time to come in and go out again, then goals are going to be conceded with the same regularity afforded by a Senokot laced prune juice.

When one of your more skilled players comes onto the pitch, with the warm-up equivalent of a Thai massage, lasts barely two minutes, and then hobbles off with a foot injury that sees him charged just 50p for his contribution, then the balance of the team is more shot away, then the creative genius who green-lit that sick Orangina ad with bikini-wearing giraffes.

With our season now two games into the swing, we’re coming across like the Derby County of this league, and with a severely limited number of available players, like the genepool in Cornwall, we may as well be starting with a minus 22 points for our financial iwrongularities. There’s no Baby Bentleys to be sold off in this team, just a damaged rickshaw, a sunken battleship, a deflated Zorb ball and a Cortina on bricks.

When the highlight of the evening amounts to watching the match before, being played out 4-a-side, the ref having sent off two players for presumably kicking each other, like donkeys kick asses (this metaphor works on at least two levels); when the highlight of the match is the ref (again) having an argument with the Treesdown player about not retreating from a free-kick; when the goal of the match is a superb central through ball from the youngest Molly to the oldest, who then creates half a yard of space to curl into the bottom corner; when these are the most interesting things to write about, then I am really scraping the bottom of the barrel, like using this cliché is scraping the bottom of the barrel.

With our front line hardly troubling Treesdown’s keeper with any shots memorable, and I should know - I’m trying, the possession was nine-tenths theirs. When our defence were not blocking and deflecting shots like pinball flippers; when we weren’t fouling them as they bounced the ball from one foot to another as they dashed past us; when we weren’t trying to cushion and trap balls that pinged off us over regulation height; when we weren’t running into dead ends and getting stranded; well that’s when our keeper was getting busy with the fizzy.

Balls cracked at him from distance were slipping past him; shots from the edge of the D were being wonderfully saved, but an injury to his thumb (amazingly not from removing it from a Christmas plum pie) saw him resort to a denied tactic of trying to save with his legs. A tactic not seen so badly used since the days of Gareth’s mate, and Charlesworth before him. With an injury list that also included a bruised toe, sore ribs, battered pride and general sweating, the end of the match was a blessed euthanasiam relief. A worse defeat ranking easily top five. With battles off the pitch to get enough players to battle on the pitch, this season already has a turgid feel about it. Michael Stipe and netball have a lot to answer for.

Look at that. A whole match report, and not a single player’s name mentioned. The same anonymity afforded to child-age killers.

vs. Testwood FC 20/08/08 20:30 (7:1)

LOST 13-5
Matt, Leo, Steve, Alan1, Mike1, Gareth3

"Hello! Hello! It's good to be back. It's good to be back"

Looking back through this blog, I note a distinct lack of reports written about our matches against Testwood FC. I aim to correct that anomaly with this report, at the expense of all other reports, incomplete or unstarted. Testwood FC have long been our nemesis, in the way Roystone Rangers used to be, this being the fourth season we’ve been together in electric dreams. One win in seven is a record only Derby County would be envious of and such defeatist agony would be bearable if they were a much better side than us. They are not. Why else are we still playing with each other longer than a Britney Spears marriage?

The evening had started pleasantly enough, as Gareth had brought the personification of his “In A Relationship” Facebook status as touchline totty, trumping Steve’s claims that our promotion to the Championship meant he was now married to a WAG. The old man had returned from tending to his allotment, cultivating his veggies to look like boobs and willies. Alan had flown back from America, balder than usual, and with Mike also in situ, the team had the engine of a Turbo Terrific 09. It also had its unreliability.

With Goals announcing a match fee price hike by £1.25 from 1st September, it doesn’t require a fresh on the market Carol Vorderman to do the math, on how Goals are going to re-coop the extra £10 from our reduced registration fee. It’s this kind of money grabbing bullshit that sees the company losing customers hand over fist over head over ass, which is no mean feat when the first aforementioned three are stuck up the last. The Molly’s signature on the decree nisi is freshly wet.

The match itself started with ominous portent as Matt fumbled a weak-ass shot off his slippery grip into our goal, and Mike at the other end, sliced the ball with the same finesse afforded to a doner kebab, whilst an empty net gaped open. With a formation that owed everything to hassle, harry, cash and carry, the deep lying line-up conceded the bulk of possession in the hope of counter-attacks, lucky breaks, and long-range punts.

Initial endeavours proved useful, if hardly exacting. Gareth having to thrust his way through markers, with only intermittent success; Alan bounding up and down the wings with nowhere to go; Steve playing dangerously sophisticated short balls in front of the D and Mike forever trying give and go one-twos. With Leo barely bouncing a few feet from the front door of Matt’s club, it was soak up siege and then strike out speed.

Like all good comedy ensembles, Testwood FC have some notable characters - the Italian named Mario or Romeo, with all the close quarters control of a melting ice lolly on a stick; the blonde Beckham wannabe ‘Stix’ (not unlike our brunette Beckham wannabe) with a devastating turn of pace and dribbling skills of a six month old baby force fed lemons; the guy who looks like he’s president of some computer club; and the wanker (who may or may not be one of the above) who smashed Gareth into the wall, with the same ‘going for the ball’ excuse, that Joey Barton used to explain how he tackles by punching team-mates in the face. Repeatedly.

Narrowly avoiding what was a stick-on sin-binning for making Gareth look like a girl in front of his girl, the Testwood player got a stern telling off and a ‘no more’ warning from the referee, that seemed to pull the sting from the 'aggressive team' bug, if not squash it into a pulpy smear.

Without a holding player up front (no names – his ego’s big enough), the Mollys were forced to pass and play, run through channels, and attempt to play through an over-crowded midfield, in which we had no foothold. Playing face-up to the ball allowed a better covering of their attacks, but limited our own ability to press any number advantage home. The opposition played the ball from the back, and always had an overlappingly frequent option. They drove through us down the centre, switched to the wings, then back down the middle for central strikes at Matt. The fact we came out of the first half just 5-3 down was quite remarkable.

Second half was a downward spiral. We barely whimpered as they gutted us inside and out. Tiredness saw us dropping deep, without the forward-motion skills to make space for ourselves. With lack of discipline creeping in, and our shape getting more ragged than Winehouse’s face, danger was all around Matt’s ground zero, and the press for goals left him exposed, and that’s not a sight anyone should endure.

At the other end, it was probably safer in the air, despite the burning engines, loss of cabin pressure, and Mike and Leo’s high off-target shooting. Indeed, with the lynchpin abandoning his defensive duties in pursuit of the golden glory, it merely encouraged Matt to perform outrageously awful long-throw outs that never made it past the first man, let alone the second. If world news has taught us anything recently, its that Asians know how to repel dirty invaders looking for paedomatic immunity, so an exact metaphorical comparison can be drawn to this match. Leo leaving the job to a couple of old janitors is asking for any old weirdo to sneak past.

This was an utterly heartbreaking defeat; heartbreaking like England’s continued capitulation to the hands of mediocrity, heartbreaking like Jade Goody’s cancer (black, I bet), heartbreaking like a broken Love Heart. I end this report now, because I haven’t managed that for a while.

Aw, shit, I forgot. As a postscript, with the bar empty, and the England match over, I bore witness to the gross sight of Alan scoffing down some stale left over sandwiches and nibbles from the buffet tray. Which says all you need to know about Mrs Skinner's cooking.

Season 6 Statistics

Club 85 13/8/08 8.30pm (6-10)

LOST 18-12
Matt, Leo, Mike2, Gareth6, Nathan4

The Entertainers 6/8/08 8.30pm (6-9)

WON 12-9
Matt, Leo2, Steve, Mike, Adam, Gareth5, Nathan5

If The Molly Maguires were mythic beauty they’d launch a thousand ships; if they were a prolific porn star, they’d suck a thousand dicks.

It’s been almost as long as Barry George’s incarceration (prison sure can change a man - whatever happened to the gold chains and that cockney accent??) but the Mollys’ inner stalker is finally free, executing opposition with high calibre abandon. A spate of superb performances have resulted in a number of impressive victories, as the team have developed into a fighting unit to rival a poor-man’s Gurkhas. There’s consistency, confidence and prolificacy where once there was inconsistency, unconfidence and antilificacy.

Last week was all smoke and mirrors; a glorified magic trick that was nothing but a pencil through the eye. We’d go into the lead, Testwood FC would equalise; we went ahead, they’d pin us back; until eventually we sent one of them to the hospital and they sent one of us to the morgue. A tortoise cheap trick saw Testwood FC score first at 7-7, and from there, the Mollys were chasing dust. That particular vendetta shall remain slow-roasting on the back-burner for now.

Off the pitch, Matt was courting new footballing mistresses, weighing up options of shifting The Molly Maguires franchise down the road to Eastleigh. And like all transfers, the main motivating factor is money. Cheaper fees, supposed better atmosphere (both in terms of people and air), and closer to the motorway for our regular road warriors. Still, our loyalty might stick it another season, and avoid the risk of being a hanging effigy of hatred, like a smarmy ‘Soul Glow’ Portuguese mercenary.

Tonight was an opportunity for the Mollys to do their only double of the season, over The Entertainers. An unchanged team from last week, and six players the same as the last three matches reflected a forced consistency of line-up with a squad only nine strong this season. With familiarity, however, breeds content. And the team is showing hints of a telepathic understanding akin to Mekon. A line-up that allows Nathan to hold the front line, Gareth to receive balls deep, Leo to patrol the rim, Steve to conduct from the middle, and beefy workhouses Adam and Mike to run themselves ragged.

If anyone failed to notice the less than antagonising atmosphere, he was probably discovering polygamy in his Geordie hometown. Was it really a coincidence that this was a less than hostile tense affair without our resident cheerleader around, or did we really shut the opposition up into submission with our scintillating skill?

We started fast and bright, Leo smashing the team’s first two goals in setting up his own second shots with rebounds off the wall and the keeper’s gloves, even caving in on himself (cue Transforming sound) to hit home goal number two with his left peg.

We always stayed one or two goals ahead in the first half, let The Entertainers come at us, and then counter-attacked them. Simple and effective. Like castration. We chased them into the corners, forcing them to hit and hope passes off the back wall and through the D. For once, however, we always seemed to be there or thereabouts, a nudge of a toe here, a body block there. Our close quarter defending was exceptional, and the team defended en mass, enveloping the opposition like the blob.

Gareth has adopted the left back position as the easiest outlet for Matt’s throw outs, allowing him space to run goalwards at his marker, and into the vast open countryside beyond him. Having the Duracell bunny as an extra defender puts more foundation into the back-line, but gives him braveheart freedom to run forward whilst a team-mate falls in behind him. The Entertainers seemed unable to defend on the back foot.

Their ringer (apparently there’s a vending machine in the foyer, next to the Coke one, which dispenses them), another flash harry dressed in red, was showing some subtle skills that saw him pirouette his way through the entire Molly outfield before a calm finish into Matt’s near post. Kindly old Steve had coaxed information from him that he hadn’t played in a year, but looked nothing of the sort. The real worry is how Steve managed to coerce such tactical knowledge without a bag of sweets and a wound down window.

The opposition would frequently play the ball down the wings, but the receiver seemed incapable of doing anything productive with it with speed; which merely allowed the Mollys to drop into position like four coloured plastic discs in a row. Goal side and impromptu switching between zonal and man-marking saw the Mollys very much in control.

Matt should’ve pissed into a plastic cup at the end of the match because no-one drops that big that fast to the ground without some performance-enhancers. Still getting lazily caught out with long range efforts when blinded by the Terracotta rows of defenders in front of him, Matt was nevertheless putting on a supreme display of strong handed dive saving when one-on-one, that kept the Mollys ahead.

Mike challenged Gareth for the most pitch miles covered as he ran lengths and breadths chasing down the opposition, but was nowhere near the same page when the shooting was called to account. Too much fluffy insteps, and not enough ruthless hoofing, Mike showed all the pirouetting turning skills of a one-legged hippo on ice. Mike doth protested too much about “not being able to score in a brothel” which suggested he’d tried previously, but my brain swells with the whole ‘proving a negative’ theory, so I’ll leave you with cliché Mike’s ‘lack of shooting boots’ excuse instead.

With Alan away preparing his Saints team for the start of the Championship campaign (seriously, have another look and listen), Adam has ably stepped into his shoes with tight t-shirt and tight marking, stomping around, throwing his shoulders about like Cloverfield, and neatly popping up in all areas of the pitch like lesions. His shooting boots are also missing.

Half-time had the Mollys about 6-4 ahead. Matt was proclaiming that ‘he wouldn’t change a thing’ as a tear jerked in his eye; which was a real u-turn from his pre-match assessment that we were in dire relegation worries, despite being third in the table. Matt’s neither a half-empty nor half-full kind of guy. Nothing around him stays half-full or half-empty. On the other end of the emotional spectrum Nathan was “nervous” that we were ahead; the post-traumatic stress disorder of too many second half collapses clearly affecting him; Deal Or No Deal material he is not.

The second half tactics would remain largely unchanged from the first. The back line dropped in and out of last man like a combination lock, and the front line linked up like slappers on F*c*book.

The first four minutes of the second half were pure Knox gold. Nathan and Gareth cutting swathes through a non-existent Entertainers back-line (well, okay it existed, but it had no belief; so “I Think, Therefore I Am” did not apply). The shooting was crunchy and smooth, and hit the target every time, rattling the keeper’s right hand corner after corner after corner. Nathan must’ve bagged a hat-trick in less time it takes to heat a Feasters chicken burger. This was The Entertainers’ four minute warning, a singer’s saggy cleavage replaced by our own perky front two. Gareth sealed another superb display with a absolute peach of a long range dipping half-volley, like a whipping Agassi passing shot.

We were getting the tactics absolutely right. We were (sub)consciously subbing when the opposition had the ball, to prevent their fast free kicks and throw-outs. And we were subbing with a better regularity – Nathan complaining of not enough rest time was an unexpected confession (he must’ve eaten a whole packet of fags before he came out). We ourselves were reaping rewards with quick free-kicks, throwing the opposition on their arse, and presenting shooting chances. Except for Steve. He too was missing his shooting boots. Hmm, I wonder if there's a vending machine that dispenses shooting boots?

A couple of unforced errors, including Leo and Matt getting diddled by a cheeky back-heel, did little to curb our enthusiasm, and the distance we’d established in those first few minutes held good to the end, the match finishing 12-9 to the Molly blues. Pretty much cemented into third with the final game to go, the real test of how far this team have come will no doubt be cruelly exposed for the emperor’s new clothes, next week.

Until then, if The Molly Maguires were a Hollywood madam, they’d turn a thousand tricks; if they were female genitalia they’d deserve a thousand licks.

Testwood FC 30/7/08 7.00pm (6-8)

LOST 16-10
Matt, Leo, Steve, Mike1, Adam, Gareth3, Nathan6

'Anonymous' comments (The Granite 23/7/08)

Thanks again to Mr Anonymous for this match report:

"Well not much to add this week,the reduction in cigs had the desired effect Nathan coming back to form with 8 goals in this match.Well done Nathan and you were there for the start of the match which is unusual in itself. Though my spies or scouts were able to report you having a quick fag prior to the kick off.Leo boosted by my praise recently seemed to pull out all the stops, staying on his feet for most of game and scoring 3 goals, a worthy effort for a mid fielder and naturally he gets the match ball which he will sign and it be sold at auction the proceeds donated a worthy cause, old git's like myself on fixed income.Adam came back into the side and overall he added to (the pass the ball structure) which is the hallmark that makes the Mollies a passing side however future training must include gentle passes back to our goalkeeper.Steve managed a goal despite a long layoff and no-one could fault his play and effort,the long sessions in therapy with myself have paid dividends and his future looks promising.Gareth played the usual game of sweeper and when he didn,t have a brush in his hands scored 7 goals.Matt boosted by the comments of last weeks opposition allowed 11 goals passed him it was clear that the praises may have gone to his head ?in fairness well done chaps and bring on the dirty Germans next week or is it Testwood, same difference. Have good rest keep up the diet Matt see you 6.45 p.m. the 30th.Man of the Match Adam because he only gave away 6 free kicks and defended steadfastly."