Salmon Leap: An Incomplete History pt1

HEAR ME ROAR

REGULAR COLUMNIST LUNGBOY SUCKS ON ANOTHER BREATHLESS PERFORMANCE

Date and Time: 20/1/05 6.30pm
Opponents: Salmon Leap
Line-up: Matt, Robbie, Leo, Nobby, Jon, Dave, Gareth, Steve

From the sublime to the substandard, the Mollys have performed with their usual inconsistent inconsistency throughout the first half of the season. Good solid defensive victories trade fluids with luck deficient defeats. Teams beaten last season now have the better of the Mollys. The defenders are outscoring the midfielders. Newbies Matt and Steve have firmly established themselves in the team, while veterans Pete and Dean rarely have the opportunity to break sweat.

Mulling through the tabloid back pages this week, fans would’ve been hit with all sorts of news. Ian, fourth choice keeper (behind Matt, Leo and a cardboard cut-out of Roy Carroll), frustrated at the lack of first team action, submitted his transfer request. In response, the management maintained a suspicious silence. Rumours continued unabated that Robbie had been caught in the act, munching on a female colleague’s “fudge”. The publicity machine for The Mollys vs The Mollyettes started to chug into life. And most shocking of all, the Gaffa has been reported metaphorically raising his voice to curb dissent in the ranks, with a team e-mail being anonymously leaked to the press.

The team started the second half of the season in 4th place, and the Gaffa announced an unchanged line-up for the first time in their history. Last week’s winning 8 would be entrusted to secure the points, under the threat of rotational jigging to come for the rest of the season.

Unhinged carnage. Absolute bedlam. Never in all my months of watching this team have I seen such a seat-of-my-pants goalfest ding-dong. Sure, the Mollys have been on the end of more one-sided tonkings than I’ve had three-way bonkings. But to be eclipsed by four goals in a 30 goal melee, reeks of random. An unnatural match, where goals were traded with superficial regularity, and the Mollys’ team shape spasmed beyond discernable control.

The match began as every recent match has begun, with ``the Mollys doing their level best to make life difficult for themselves. The starting five need to realise the advantage to be had from protecting and extending a lead, rather than playing catch-up. To impose the Molly way of play early on, to breed confidence in the players to be comfortable on the ball and play at their own pace. A mantra readily adopted by Steve, who kept teasing me to take the chalk out of my pocket and draw a line around his corpse, just before he twitches back to life.

Dwelling on the negative aspects would be very much against the spirit of the newly inscribed Five Commandments, but performing an autopsy on this match requires a brief groping around the internal workings of Molly’s desecrated body. Poor distribution from defence and keeper, lack of speed from the midfield, and slapdish shooting from the front all blended together to create a gooey mush.

Very much a mirror image of the Mollys, the Leap always threatened to take the ball from one end of the pitch to the other with the minimal of passing, but often the Mollys midfield failed to keep pace with their more sophisticated counterparts. This left the defence dealing inadequately with strikers running straight at them, who possessed enough individual skill to create space, to crack shots beyond Matt.

Up front, Dave embarked on a one-man vendetta against the back wall behind the opposition’s goal, and Gareth tried to defy conventional mathematical physics theory with shots at 179-degree angles. In defence, Matt felt the need to make as many new friends as possible by throwing the ball to the opposition; Robbie, was drunk on his own over inflated ability to pass long range, and Leo gave away needless freekicks by failing to maintain his feet, and tackling whilst on the ground. Too spread out, the midfield dynamic frequently found themselves isolated - Nobby tackling men who’d already passed him, and Jon unusually unpenetrative.

General consensus from fellow supporters I’ve spoken to is of the half-full “it was close” or “you scored a lot of goals” variety. No incisive comments about the leaking catheter of defensive lifeblood. A lack of shape, and lack of decent marking always gave the edge to the opposition. At one point, Matt was trying to throw the ball out of his area with two strikers on the edge of his D trying to intercept. Where were our players? Did we capitalise?

Whatever else can be said about our shortcomings, there was still much to praise about the performance. Dave, for all his bomb and bluster, was going to hit the net at some point, and weighed in with a record-equalling 7 goals, to help keep the pressure on the Leap right to the final whistle. Gareth and Steve continued their fine scoring form, and Jon snatched an opportunistic long range goal one touch from kickoff. All this goal scoring finally saw the Mollys crack open the skull of double figures for the first time this season, with Nobby impressively scooping out two fistfuls as the Mollys injected thirteen goals in reply (not fourteen, as the ref incorrectly counted).

Other lights (whether high or low is debatable) included Leo sitting out the last few minutes of the first half warming up his smacked up sausage and spuds. Don and Jon getting a tongue lashing from the ref incensed that Jon, frustrated at failure, had walked off the pitch, to be subbed, while the ball was still in play. Jon’s half-time team talk, aside from the “It’s good to talk” message, also threatened to be a heart-wrenching apology for all his meanie shouting at the team.

The vice-captain’s post-match press conference was equally heartstring stirring, as he praised the team’s overall effort and commitment, and singled out the performance of the team towards the end of each half, as they never gave up against the odds. Pass the tissues, I need to dry my eyes.

With the Gaffa’s recent vitriol slowly sinking in, Molly supporters can look forward to watching a team rebuilt on camaraderie, spirit, effort and fun. A back to basics approach to playing competitive football for laughs, yet still with an underlying desire to win, but not at all costs.

Final Score: 13-17
Goal Scorers: Gareth 2, Jon 1, Steve 1, Dave 7, Nobby 2
Man of the Match: Dave

In the Dressing Room

The Mollys’ veteran midfielder, Nobby Rau, writes exclusively for Good Golly, to expose the “behind the scenes” secrets of your favourite team.

“Just got home from tonight’s game against Salmon Leap. Currently sitting on the loo having a poo, but I just had to write everything into my laptop while its still fresh in my head. We lost 13-17. We played two halves. I scored two goals. Other players scored some goals too. We’re a handsome team, and we wore our blue kit. The opposition wore a white kit. Just like Rangers versus Real Madrid! We had a drink in the bar afterwards. I had an orange juice and lemonade. Then Jon went home. Then Robbie cycled home, wearing his helmet. Then Dave finished changing after his shower. Then Leo went home. Then the rest of us went home. Sitting here on the loo reminds me of the time Johnny dropped a book he borrowed from me down his toilet. He said he was getting up so he could wipe from both ends.”

Next Week: Nobby’s Scoring Masterclass part 1 of 24