Match Twelve

MATCH TWELVE vs. Arselona 18/04/07 20:30
Win 16-4
1.Matt (c) 4.Steve 6.Robbie 8.Jon 9.Gareth 11.Adam 14.Nathan

Many thanks to Club Reporter for the following report:

Turk-ish Delight by Club Reporter

Robbie Turkington inspired the Molly Maguires to a sensational free scoring return to form against lowly Arselona at the Millbrook Astrodome last night. The tough tackling, defensive stalwart took his season’s goal tally to a career best, one, as his spectacular thunderbolt instigated a crazy final two minutes which saw EIGHT Mollies’ strikes on target and the effete Arselona centre forward hurl his boots into the net in a pique of frustration.

The talk in the pubs and bars of Millbrook before the start of the match centred upon the Mollies rapid descent down the table in recent weeks. Despite losing relatively few games, a spate of high scoring draws had left them hovering precariously above the relegation positions. The team remained in ebullient mood though, recounting their previous 16-5 drubbing of Arselona earlier in the season. Team changes were inevitable for the return leg. Gorgeous Adam was back after a self imposed lay off, replacing Leo who had decided to spend the night copying his video collection of Keeping Up Appearances onto DVD format. Don hinted that Gareth’s friend was “turning up to watch and maybe play”, though he never showed. Meanwhile, Gaffer Matt’s “Frank Spencer-esque” style of management which has courted controversy this season, claimed ignorance as to the final line up, claiming that he hadn’t read his emails. Nonetheless, it was a formidable line up who took the pitch, which included the welcome return of hard running seaman Steve, finally fully recovered from his rib injury.

Arselona kicked off and immediately gave the ball to Gareth, who passed to Nathan who stroked the ball home with aplomb. From the resulting kick off, the ball was inexplicably presented to Gareth again who gobbled up the gift like a gannet at a gurnard feast and drove the ball home. Barely a minute gone and the Mollies led two nil, in spite of only touching the ball three times.

Confidence spread through the team like the clap through Portsmouth and the Mollies took complete control, displaying a dominance sorely missed during the previous week’s diabolical defensive display. Nathan and Gareth once again displayed why many cogent observers are declaring them to be the new Linekar and Beardsley, albeit without the jug ears and hunched back. Jon and Steve took control of midfield. Tendons, bones and cartilages as weak as kittens’ maybe but a crunch in the tackle equivalent to a sporting Golden Delicious. In defence, Robbie and Adam imposed themselves upon the Arselona forwards; their sheer “tag team” bulk compensating for their clear lack of control, touch, skill, etc, etc and so on. The Mollies were working like a well-oiled machine and Matt was providing the grease. Although he had little to contend with, the Mollies stopper’s shot stopping was first class and for the first 10 minutes a clean sheet seemed a genuine possibility. As usual, his distribution was piss poor though. Admittedly, the Mollies’ forwards provided few options but a throw to a player with his back turned accompanied by a shout of “man on!” is not the best option.

It was from such wayward distribution that Arselona clawed their way back into the game. The half finished 6-2 to Mollies. Tired limbs raised concern in some quarters of a further capitulation after a strong half time position.

The fears were well founded. Arselona sniffed an opportunity and began the second half with renewed vigour. Gareth’s jinks and jimmies, so effective in the first half, were met with cynical shoulder charges and ankle taps, most of which were missed by the ref who had been forced to go to the other side of the pitch to a less appropriate referring vantage point in order to avoid Don’s incessant complaints. Fitness began to play a huge factor. Jon’s running, so impressive in the first half, deteriorated rapidly to the extent that Aesop was considering re-naming his hair and tortoise fable after him. Then, disaster! Steve pulled up in agony; his calf had gone. God knows where but now the Mollies only had one fit sub…. and five unfit outfield players. A spectacular upset now looked a distinct possibility and soon became a definite certainty when Matt inexplicably picked the ball up a full 2 two yards outside of his box. The subsequent penalty was thumped home and although only minutes remained and the Mollies led 8-4, yet another draw or even defeat was on the cards.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man though. And what a man. A fecund, virile brute of a man. The Turk has long had his admirers and has a well-earned reputation as a footballers footballer. It’s not hard to see why following his decision to take this game by the scruff of the neck. Picking up an unusually accurate throw out from Matt (or a mis-thow?), Robbie strode forward like a colossus. The Arselona defence backed off, logically anticipating that once he got past the half way dot he’d keel over clutching his side. Adrenaline was driving this young buck forward though and once he got past the half way dot he cleverly anticipated the potential onset of fatigue and sensibly swung his foot like the proverbial traction engine. A combination of Richard Noble, Linford Christie and the Red Arrows couldn’t have carried the ball quicker or truer. The keeper looked on in astonishment as it rasped into the top corner. Robbie turned on a sixpence and strode back to his position, arm raised proud, like the Statue of liberty at the end of Planet of the Apes. The opposition metaphorically sunk to their knees like Chuck Heston in that very same film “Damn you! You finally did it!” they may as well have been shouting too. That’s your lot, I can’t think of any other analogies to milk from that film.

The ref confirmed that only two and a half minutes remained. Turk had made the match safe and would surely and deservedly take all the plaudits…….….well actually no. Jon finished off a free flowing move with a left foot thunderbolt, Adam scored from inside his own half with a better and harder shot than Robbie, and none of the histrionics afterwards. Gareth curled home a peach. The goals kept coming. Frustrated by his team’s remarkable capitulation the Arselona striker threw his boots into Mollies net and played for the last three goals in stockinged feet. The ref proved how observant he was, and thereby explaining some of his really shit earlier decisions, by candidly remarking that he hadn’t noticed. He’s a tit that ref.

The match finished with the rather flattering score line of 16-4. 32 goals in two matches against the same opposition, less than 10 conceded! Clearly, Arselona aren’t the strongest team in the league but its safe to say they haven’t been on the receiving end of drubbings like that from any of the other teams. Powergrade Wednesday Night Division 2 safety must surely be assured now. Gaffer Matt will be looking to build on this success for next season. Promotion is now an obvious aim

Team Ratings: Matt 7, Robbie 9, Steve 7, Jon 7, Adam 7, Nathan 8 Gareth 9
MOTM: Robbie
Goals: Gareth 7, Nathan 4, Jon 2, Robbie 1, Adam 1, og 1

Many thanks to Robbie for the following report (Not Safe For Work):