Match 7 (Season 5) vs. The Elite

16/4/08 7.00pm
Matt, Alan 1, Steve 1, Leo 2, Gareth 4, Nathan 5

WON 13-4

Game 6 (Season V) vs. Two Left Feet FC

9/4/08 9.15pm
Matt, Alan, Leo 1, Robbie, Gareth 4, Nathan 6

LOST 14-11

Wow, what a great weekend of sport. Firstly, the glowing peal of the victorious Pompey chimes ringing in the ears of their less illustrious neighbours, and then a erroneously discarded ex-Saints manager taking some Welsh team to the Cup final too. The traitor and the betrayed. What delicious irony. And in the same season Southampton get relegated? Lip-smacking goodness. The National was won by a horse with a name that this Service should be falling over buckets to adopt and the weekend also bore witness to the latest sport to make the Olympic roster - the Torch relay tag. Like grid-iron, only over 31 London miles with a combined team of Police and Chinese blockers. Can't wait for The Running Man to become a reality.

Alas, also sad news - the number 7 shirt is permanently retired, as dandy Dean finally "throws his hat into the ring" (according to Matt), and announces the end of his Molly career. Of course, if Beckham can fight past mediocrity to win his 100th cap, there's little reason why our once exalted leader and co-founder couldn't make a similar comeback, once his feet get itchy. You just know he'll be there for Southampton vs Pompey III.

My favourite Dean footballing memory (no, this isn't some lame Soccer AM pastiche) was in a game about three years ago against Benfica Chicken Tikka, a tight 4-4 draw coming into the final minutes, when Deano got a free kick, saw my lightning run down the wing, and weighted a perfect ball onto my two touch toes to rag home the winner, then in spectacular fashion for Dean and I to leap on each other in a manly cuddle, not seen before nor since on a Molly pitch.

My favourite Dean non-footballing memory is of course the legendary Flares incident. For those of us who were there (i.e. me and Robbie) the night is seared into our minds like a laser-scoped shoulder mounted cannon-rifle shot from a Predator.

Back to tonight's game, and with the squad size wilting slightly, there was a six-man team up and ready to face off against Two Left Feet FC. Steve had to pull out at the last minute, but that's another story. He also cried off for tonight's game due to an arm/shoulder injury, and having spoken to him, it was clear that he was struggling to raise his arm, and didn't want to jeoprdise his career as the "you must be this tall to ride" cardboard cut-out for The Pirates Of The Carribbean ride.

Two Left Feet FC were also having squad problems, but whilst we're more used to scrambling around for anyone who can stand up and has a penis, our opposition were able to call on ringers, like an ex-professional Woking player. Something always smells fishy when the opposing team can't even turn up in broadly the same coloured shirts. There's nothing sadder than a footballer who wasn't good enough for the big leagues. No fifty grand a week, no glamour model sex. Yes, I would like a carrier bag, but no, I don't need help packing.

With Pete Doherty finally behind bars after what must have been the most protracted and ineffectual breach proceedings, anything was possible. And so it proved as the night saw the most welcome returning sight as Leo intercepted a long range pass from the opposition keeper, stuffed it right back past him, and celebrated with that 'chalk it up' celebration. Who else on this team can claim to have their own unique goal celebration? Lack of creative thought processes, that's why.

Alas, such merriment had only come along after a shameful display of defensive ineptitude that saw the Mollys adopt a devil may care attitude almost on a par with a stroppy Arsenal backline. Said ex-Woking player ripped us apart in less than five minutes as his pace, and passing ability saw the opposition open up canyons of space, and nail bullet fast shots through the desperate dan style of diving from Matt. We were probably 6 down before we even produced a real opportunity at goal. The shape of the team was all over the Tescos - Leo worthless on the wing, and Alan yet to suck up to his best position, assuming we can work out what it is. Once the opposition eased off with the deserved absurdity of victors, and Nathan had come on to hassle their backline, we finally started to mount a serious attempt at a comeback.

The opposition played predictable triangles with speed, that required tracking back, and once we got to grips with the angles, and were actually there to meet the ball, we started to turn it over, and counter-attack a suspect defensive line. Gareth getting embroiled in a(nother) personal skirmish which ultimately resulted in cramp; a ludicrous penalty given against us {let me ask you this, if the ball is on the line of the D - is it inside the area or outside? Answers scrawled with a knife in the flayed skin of an ignorant referee to the usual address}; and Don's commentary that "Trevez" had scored for Man U, didn't help our cause.

What did aid us was the showboating of that ex-professional, who responded to every mistake he was making (and by the second half he was making a lot) with a variety of expletives at himself, and rather than shoot and give Matt something to cry about, was trying to set everyone else up in his team to score. His lack of ruthlessness allowed us to get a free turn to shoot back, and we easily outgunned them in the second half. Nathan showing better accuracy in front of goal than in previous weeks, and Gareth giving the defenders the option to foul or be left behind, helped the Mollys re-assert themselves into the match that had previously been slipping away (the footballing equivalent of the lightning bolt, Mario fans). The frustration of Two Left Feet at their own failings was tangible.

In the end, it wasn't enough. Alan has misplaced his killer instinct in front of goal; and Robbie was outpaced at the heart of the defence, but that's like saying that night follows day, and water is wet. A final deficit of 14-11 (give or take a mysterious miscalculation by the ref) lay squarely at the feet of our awful first five minutes, when every shot they had kissed the onion bag. A second half collapse come way too early. An end to a match report come just about right.

Match 5 (s.5) VERSUS The Entertainers

2/4/08 9.15pm
Matt, Alan, Robbie, Gareth 7, Nathan 1, Aneel 2

LOST 10-17

Video report to follow